[This made me laugh a lot (though largely internally; externally I had to stifle my gaiety due to my physical position behind a library reference desk).]
If you would prefer not to be stripped of your home and dignity, please send us $3,750 in the return envelope. If your toddler has been named in this lawsuit, explain to them that the fruits of their labor as an adult will go to pay a debt that will ultimately lead to their death at a young age due to their inability to afford medical insurance. Toddlers never understand that, but they’ll get the point if you make them cry. If your household pet has been named in this lawsuit, it will be euthanized. If you are a 13-year-old girl, do not expect that the bad publicity in the past has made us hesitant to sue little girls—it has only made us hate you even more. If you, your household pet, or your toddler did not commit any of the acts above, then we will sue you and ruin your life forever for lying. Then we will sue you again, because it’s not about the money anymore. It’s about revenge.
If you would like to make an excuse, please mark one of the boxes below with a No. 2 pencil and return.
1. My computer was hacked.
2. I am poor and cannot afford music. That is why I download songs at the public library. Please don’t sue me or my children will starve. 😦
3. One of your goons was in a van outside my house using my wireless connection to frame me.
4. Other children were singing the “Happy Birthday” song, but I was just lip-synching.